do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
you didnt know i had herpes?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
