I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
