What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
