so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
