I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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