the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
