Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
