Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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