I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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