im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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