have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
