I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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