wanna go halves on a baby?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
