If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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