feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
