i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
