You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
