I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
