she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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