My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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