Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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