Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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