Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
