Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
