Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
