im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
