my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
