It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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