im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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