I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
