Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
