the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We got so high we made milksteak
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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