If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
