Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
