shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
