1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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