I smell stomach acid.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
