Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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