I met the friendliest cop last night
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
