please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
