I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
