I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
