tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
