this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
