Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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