if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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