He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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