Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
