yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
