youre lurking in front of me
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
