First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
