Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm like, not good at living.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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