How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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